Raziel Presents: The Fellowship of the Reaver
by MortalSora
Summary: Raziel makes the movie version of a classic book that he wrote a long time ago! Part 4 up! A grumpy Kain starts the long awaited party!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: LoK and LotR don't belong to me. I wish they did, though...but I don't so please don't anyone sue me!  
  
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[The scene isn't the Pillars. Instead, it was Nosgothwood, like Hollywood, but with Nosgoth instead of Holly. Raziel was at his mansion that he bought from advertising and the movie and Raziel was plotting something big. He got Kain and the other lieutenants to meet him, plus other people]  
  
Raziel: (while pacing in his mansion in front of everyone he invited) People, I have a dream. I dream that I can make a big hit movie.  
  
Kain: Yeah right. You suck.  
  
Raziel: Shut up Kain!  
  
(by the way, Razzyboy had invited Kain, the lieutenants, Umah, Circle of Nine, Janos, Vorador, Sebastion, Faustus, and Magnus)  
  
Zephon: I came here for the candy you promised me Razzyboy.  
  
Raziel: I lied. There is no candy.  
  
Zephon: (insulted) You lying bas-  
  
Raziel: Enough. Several years ago I wrote four books using a fake name.  
  
Melchiah: Ooh! Was that fake name Earnest Hemingway!?  
  
Raziel: (looks at him like he's an idiot) No. I was known as J. R. R. Tolkein.  
  
Kain: Who's that?  
  
Raziel: YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF HIM!?  
  
Turel: Nope.  
  
Dumah: Don't know, don't care.  
  
Sebastion: (speaking through his Captain Kurk voice box) Negative.  
  
Fautus: Has he been in a fashion show? No? Then I don't care.  
  
Umah: No.  
  
Magnus: MEAT?  
  
Rahab: Oh come on, how can you people not know him!?  
  
Raziel: Thank you.  
  
Rahab: J. R. R. Tolkein is the guy who wrote Moby Dick!  
  
Raziel: No Rahab.  
  
Rahab: Oh.  
  
Raziel: I, as J.R.R. Tolkein wrote "The Vampire" and "The Lord of the Reavers" trilogy.  
  
Everyone: Oh.  
  
Zephon: Didn't you write Jabberwocky?  
  
Raziel: (irritated) No.  
  
Zephon: How about that classic book "A Tale of Two Cities?"  
  
Raziel: (really irritated) No.  
  
Vorador: What about that erotic beauty of a book called "A Tale of Two Titties?"  
  
Raziel: (now PO'ed) NO!!  
  
Vorador: Aww.  
  
Janos: You perverted jack-donkey!  
  
Raziel: Yes, well-jack-donkey? Yes, well, I have decided to make a movie adaptation.  
  
Kain: Does it have me killing stuff in it?  
  
Raziel; The movie adaptation will.  
  
Kain: Okay, then I'm in.  
  
Vorador: Will I be making love to anything?  
  
Raziel: No! You'll die.  
  
Vorador: NOT AGAIN!!  
  
Janos: (to Raziel) Will you need to borrow some of my hearts?  
  
Kain: OKAY JANOS!! WHERE DO YOU GET ALL YOUR FREAKIN' HEARTS!?  
  
Raziel: EVERYONE SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN!  
  
(everyone does so)  
  
Sebastion: (speaking through his Captain Kurk voice box) I don't...know what this...will ha...ve to do with...us.  
  
Raziel: Shut up so I can explain. You people will be the actors.  
  
Umah: Yes! I get to act!  
  
Ariel: Who will I be?  
  
Moebius: And me? What about me?  
  
Mortanius: (to Moebius) Shut up you crusty old dip-dong!  
  
Raziel: I already know everyone's parts! The important parts will be announced today.  
  
(Raziel's cell phone rings, so Raziel answers the phone)  
  
Raziel: Hello?  
  
MortalK55: Hey, did you order some shrimp?  
  
Raziel: (confused) What? No!  
  
MortalK55: You sure?  
  
Raziel: Yes!  
  
MortalK55: Okay, bye.  
  
(then MortalK55 hangs up)  
  
Raziel: (confused) What was that?  
  
Kain: Who am I?  
  
Raziel: Kain will play two parts! Kain is Bilbo Baggins and Aragorn!  
  
Kain: Yay! I think.  
  
Dumah: Don't you mean Bimbo?  
  
Raziel: Dumah, if you make any terrible, disrespectful jokes like that, you're out! I won't tolerate those kind of jokes!  
  
Dumah: Okay...  
  
Kain: Do I get to kill things?  
  
Raziel: Yes. (he hands Kain a giant metal sword)  
  
Kain: Wow! I big metal THING!  
  
Raziel: Okay, since Legolas can shoot arrows extremely quickly and rapidly, it only makes sense that a vampire that can shoot telekinetic blasts quickly and rapidly would play as Legolas. So Turel is Legolas.  
  
Turel: Awesome! Do I even get to grow the long white hair?  
  
Raziel: Yes.  
  
Turel: Alright!  
  
Raziel: Gimli gets picked on a lot and so I chose a vampire that gets picked on a lot. Zephon will play as Gimli.  
  
Zephon: Is this good or bad?  
  
Raziel: (evil grin) This is good.  
  
Dumah: Who are you?  
  
Raziel: The protagonist, of course. I am Frodo. And Dumah is Sam.  
  
Dumah: What!? Why?  
  
Raziel: Because Sam and Frodo are best friends. That means you have to be real nice to me. Hahahahahha! That and Sam's fat and so are you!  
  
Dumah: I'm not fat! It's all just muscle!  
  
Raziel: Yeah yeah yeah fatboy! Rahab, you're the more intellectual Mary.  
  
Rahab: Cool.  
  
Raziel: And Melchiah is the naïve innocent Pippin.  
  
Melchiah: Yay! I'm naïve! What's naïve mean?  
  
Raziel: Any other questions?  
  
Faustus: What about Gandolf and Gollum?  
  
Magnus: WHAT ABOUT MEAT?  
  
Raziel: I have the perfect actor for Gollum. Magnus is Gollum.  
  
Magnus: MAGNUS IS GOLLUM? MAGNUS IS GOOD!  
  
Raziel: Right...I haven't made up my mind about Gandolf yet, though. I'm thinking of having Magnus play Gandolf as well.  
  
Magnus: MAGNUS GOOD ACTOR!!  
  
Turel: What are our races?  
  
Raziel: Ah. Kain is known as a human.  
  
Kain: A human? Preposterous!  
  
Raziel: Kain, do you wanna kill stuff?  
  
Kain; Yes.  
  
Raziel: Then shut up and deal with it! Now, Turel's race are known as...Hippies.  
  
Turel: (whiny) Heeeeeey, I'm a Hippy?  
  
Raziel: Yep. And Zephon's race is known as Midgets.  
  
Zephon: So I'm a Midget? What're you then, Raziel?  
  
Raziel: My race are known as Vampires!  
  
Moebius: What're we?  
  
Raziel: Shut up Moebius, I hate you.  
  
Moebius: :(  
  
Raziel: Moebius is stupid.  
  
Zephon: Hey, what're our weapons?  
  
Raziel: Oh yeah. Kain's weapon is his sword.  
  
Kain: My big, metal THING!!  
  
Raziel: Riiiiight...Turel's weapons are his hands.  
  
Turel: These hands were used to hold a microphone when I won Nosgoth Idle, so these hands are important.  
  
Raziel: What the...? Who cares.  
  
Zephon: What about me!?  
  
Raziel: (gives him a stick) You're weapon is a stick.  
  
Zephon: (holding a weapon and being disappointed) I get a stick?  
  
Raziel: Yes.  
  
Zephon: A stick? A FRAKIN' STICK!!  
  
Raziel: Yes!  
  
Zephon: AW, THIS IS BS! I GET A STUPID STICK! WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH A STICK, HUH!?  
  
Raziel: Jab enemies with it.  
  
(then he stabs Kain with it)  
  
Kain: Ow!  
  
Zephon: (over-excited) YAY! NEAT-O FRITO! THIS THING IS COOL!  
  
(then Zephon started waving his stick around then he held onto both ends and pulled and the stick broke. He was shocked beyond belief)  
  
Zephon: O_O,  
  
Raziel: Oh please don't tell me you broke your weapon Zephon.  
  
Zephon: OH MY GOD!! I BROKE MY WEAPON!! ARGHHHHH!!  
  
Dumah: Ahhahahahahahahahhaa!  
  
Raziel: (heavy sigh)  
  
Zephon: I BROKE MY NEAT-O WEAPON!! OH NO!! I'M GONNA CRY! WHY ME, WHY WHY WHY WHY???  
  
Kain: Because you're a MORON!  
  
Raziel: (hands Zephon a new stick) Here, here's a replacement!  
  
(then Zephon grabs the new stick and is instantly cheered back up with a goofy grin)  
  
Zephon: I NOW HAVE A POINTY STICK! YAY!  
  
Kain: (feeling proud) (to Raziel) You have my big metal THING!  
  
Turel: And you have my hands.  
  
Zephon: (over-joyed) And my neat-o pointy stick!  
  
Raziel: Okay, let's go film this movie!  
  
Everyone: (cheers and runs around to get ready. Faustus and Sebastion go into a corner)  
  
Faustus: Why were we even invited anyway?  
  
Sebastion: (Captain Kurk voice) I do...not know why...he would...invite us to...this.  
  
Raziel: (to Faustus) Faustus, I have a role for you!  
  
Faustus: Hahahaha! Yes! To bad Sebastion, you suck!  
  
(then Faustus walks off all smug)  
  
Sebastion: (Captain Kurk voice) Son of...a bit...ch.  
  
(everyone's getting ready and Raziel has one final chat with Dumah)  
  
Raziel: Okay, Dumah, I know you like to think of yourself as all big, bad, and tough, but you aren't. You're fat, lazy, and stupid.  
  
Dumah: I'm not fat! It's all muscle!  
  
Raziel: So I want you to make no weed jokes or jokes about Frodo and Sam because those kinds of jokes are stupid and disrespectful and I hate them.  
  
Dumah: And if I do?  
  
Raziel: I'll kick you in the balls until you cry, then the tears will burn you.  
  
Dumah: ...  
  
Raziel: Well?  
  
Dumah: I'll shut up.  
  
Raziel: Good.  
  
Dumah: (after Raziel left) Hehe, weed.  
  
(then Raziel ran over and attacked Dumah)  
  
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Okay, I'll admit, this is probably my weakest opener, but I promise the actual fic will be better. I'll admit I didn't read all of the books since I tend to have trouble picturing stuff in my head, but I'll try my best to do a good enough parody. This'll also be the fic that'll take the longest to update 


	2. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: No own LoK or LoTR. I'd be rich if I did...but I don't so please don't sue me!  
  
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[The scene is a theatre and Kain and the lieutenants walk in. They had already made the actual movie, so they were in this theatre so that they could watch the movie to make sure everything was okay]  
  
Dumah: (walking into the theatre) It sucks that this place doesn't have stadium seating.  
  
Zephon: Hey, we've got this whole theatre to ourselves, we can sit anywhere we want and do anything we want.  
  
Raziel: Yeah, so stop complaining Dumah, you complain too much.  
  
Kain: Yeah Raziel, you're too whiny.  
  
Raziel: Shut up old man.  
  
Rahab: I think I did a very good job as Merry.  
  
Melchiah: Why did I have to be the ignorant one? Why not Zephon?  
  
Turel: I kicked butt, that's all that I know.  
  
Zephon: You know, I didn't think jabbing someone in the eye with a stick could be so painful.  
  
Kain: Well yeah, because sticks are pointy.  
  
(so Zephon went to the middle row and sat down. He was comfortable)  
  
Dumah: (sarcastically) Hmm, where should I sit? I know!  
  
(so Dumah sat right in front of Zephon. And since Dumah was so large, Zephon couldn't see over him. Raziel sat beside Dumah and Melchiah and Turel in front of them)  
  
Zephon: Um, excuse me Dumah, I can't see through your big fat head.  
  
Dumah: Did I hear something?  
  
Zephon: Yeah. Your really big fat head isn't made of glass! I can't see through it.  
  
Dumah: Am I hearing something?  
  
Raziel: Where's Rahab and Kain?  
  
Melchiah: They went to get the snacks.  
  
Zephon: I never noticed your head was so big. How do you fit it through doors?  
  
Dumah: (insulted) Hey!!  
  
Zephon: Yep, with big fat heads like yours people might confuse it with a planet.  
  
Dumah: (getting PO'ed) Shut up.  
  
Zephon: Heheheh, your head's bigger than Moebius' hands! Hahaha!  
  
Dumah: you SOB!  
  
(so Dumah reaches back and punches Zephon. Then Raziel punches Dumah. So Raziel and Dumah fight and they roll over and land on Zephon. Then Raziel and Dumah and Zephon are fighting. Then Rahab comes back in carrying drinks and sees them fighting)  
  
Rahab: VAMPIRE PILE!!  
  
(so Rahab throws down his drinks and joins the fight)  
  
Melchiah: These vampires are so immature.  
  
Turel: Just because I'm the second oldest doesn't mean I'm a role model, you know that right?  
  
Melchiah: Yeah...  
  
Turel: Good. YIPPIE KIE YAY!!  
  
(then Turel joins the fight. Then Kain walks in holding the food. He sees the fight and puts the food down)  
  
Kain: Neat-o frito! A fight!  
  
(then Kain joins in on the fight)  
  
Melchiah: How come I'm the youngest, yet the most mature.  
  
(then Sebastion walked up to the projector and was about to start the film till he saw the fight)  
  
Sebastion: HEY, SIT DOWN, SHUT UP, WATCH THE FILM BEFORE I COME OVER THERE AND GET MEDIEVIL ON YOUR HEINY!!  
  
(so they all stop fighting and prepare to watch the film. Zephon moves to a different seat)  
  
Sebastion: HEY, BIG HEAD DUMAH!! MOVE YOUR BIG HEAD, THE PROJECTOR CAN'T SEE PAST YOUR FAT HEAD!  
  
Dumah: Screw you!  
  
(but Dumah moves his head anyway, then the film starts. Well, kinda. First there are commercials)  
  
Commercial 1: Coming soon to a theatre near you.  
  
Kain as 'Raziel' on the commercial: Damn you Kain, you are not God!  
  
Raziel as 'Kain' on the commercial: Yes I am. (then he builds some legos) See? I've created people.  
  
Commercial 1: A dramatic, angst-filled, very serious movie that you shouldn't laugh at because it is so serious.  
  
(the commercial shows Kain as 'Raziel' humping a pole)  
  
Commercial 1: Soul Reaver 1. Rated 'M' for Molting.  
  
(Commercial 1 ends)  
  
Kain: (to Raziel) I remember that part.  
  
Raziel: (to Kain) I thought we hadn't gotten to that part yet.  
  
Kain: (to Raziel) Oh yeah, we hadn't. Then how the hell did they know about that part?  
  
(Commercial 2 begins)  
  
Commercial 2: Coming next Saint Kain's Day, the sequel to the already successful movie that hasn't even been made yet, The Lord of the Reavers: The Two Pillars. Rated 'PG' for stuff.  
  
(Commercial 2 ends)  
  
Zephon: (to no one is particular) See, stuff is cool!  
  
Dumah: Zephon is such a moron.  
  
(Commercial 3 begins)  
  
Commercial 3: Marcus, the winner of best actor, director, producer, and best overall vampire is about to play the most famous secret agent ever. Marcus is "Marcus Powers: International Vampire of Misery!"  
  
Marcus as 'Marcus Powers': Yeah baby!  
  
Marcus as 'Mr. Evil': It's supposed to freakin' be "Dr. Evil" you dumb freakin' people!  
  
Commercial 3: "Marcus Powers: International Vampire of Misery" coming when it's done. Rated 'R' for Retarded.  
  
(Commercial 3 ends)  
  
Melchiah: Dude, that looks awesome!  
  
Turel: Yeah, if it's actually made I'll have to see it.  
  
Sebastion: And now our feature presentation.  
  
(then the screen goes black and the opening credits pop up, saying "An Raziel-is-better- than-the-idiot-Kain Presentation" then the title comes up)  
  
  
  
THE LORD OF THE REAVERS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE REAVER  
  
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): Nosgoth has changed. I feel it in the water, because the water is so freakin' freezing now. I feel it in the earth, and that makes me hope this won't be an environmental disaster movie. I smell something in the air, it smells like dead people. Well, vampires ARE dead. Stuff was together, but it's lost now. For none now live that remember it. Either that, or the one's that remember are drunk. Either way, it's bad. It began with the forging of the great reavers.  
  
(then the scene showed Turel as an 'elf' and some other Turelims, as 'elves' behind him. Turel was holding a reaver)  
  
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): Three were given to the Hippies; Immortal, wise when they actually know what's going on, and they are the fairest because when they drink a twelve-pack, they're always nice enough to save you one.  
  
Turel (as 'elf'): This thing, is like, so neat-o.  
  
(then the scene switched to Zephon as a 'Dwarf' with his clan behind him as other 'dwarves')  
  
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): Seven to the Midget Lords; Big, fat guys who dig a lot and live in the mountains.  
  
(Zephon as 'Dwarf' wasn't holding the reaver)  
  
Clan member (as 'Midget): Hey, where's the reaver?  
  
Zephon (as 'Mdiget'): Um...hehe...er, I pawned it.  
  
(then the clan member punches Zephon)  
  
Clan member (as 'Midget): Come on, let's go get it back.  
  
(then the scene switched to the Circle of Nine with Mortanius holding the reaver)  
  
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): And nine, nine reavers were gifted to man who want the cliché that is power.  
  
(then Mortanius felt something)  
  
Mortanius (as one of the Nine Men): Who just touched my butt? If it was you Moebius, I'll kill you with this reaver.  
  
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): Because inside the reavers was stuff to rule other stuff to govern more stuff. But, everyone's stupid because there's only one true reaver. The above- mentioned people were so stupid to think that they had the best reaver. They truly are idiots. In the land called "Vorador" in the fires of Dark Eden, the confusing named Hash'ak'git made a big powerful BFG-type reaver.  
  
(the scene shows the reaver up-close)  
  
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): And in this reaver he inserted a tiny blue dude's soul. The one reaver to rull them all. And so everyone's butt was royally kicked by this awesome reaver.  
  
(the scene shifts to humans and Hippies)  
  
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): But there were some that said "Screw you Sauron, you suck!"  
  
(the scene shows Kain as 'Isildur' and Janos as 'Elrond')  
  
Ariel (as Galadriel'): So these two joined forces and kicked some Hylden butt. (the Hylden stand in for the orcs of course)  
  
(then the scene shifted to Kain as 'Isildur' and Janos as 'Elrond' and their army fighting an army of Hylden)  
  
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): They fought at Drak Eden for the fate of Middle- Nosgoth. Victory was near, but then that butthole Sauron had to come prancing around like a fairy swinging the reaver around.  
  
(then the scene showed Hash prancing like a fairy swinging the reaver around killing people)  
  
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): It was now that, let's just say, the bowls hit the fan, so Islidur picked up his dad's sword.  
  
(then Kain as 'Islidur' tapped Hash's hand then Hash's hand fell off, killing Hash)  
  
Kain (as 'Islidur'): Wow, that was easy!!  
  
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): Sauron, the unholy butthole of Middle-Nosgoth, was defeated. So now the reaver passed to Islidur who had the chance to destroy evil forever.  
  
(the scene switched to a ledge of Dark Eden with Kain as 'Islidur' and Janos as 'Elrond' looking into the lava)  
  
Kain (as 'Islidur'): (to Janos) I think I'm gonna keep this reaver and cut down some Pillars. Bye-bye. You suck.  
  
Janos (as 'Elrond'): YOU JACK-DONKEY!!!  
  
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): But man is as weak as a stoned hippy. The power inside of the reaver ended up killing Islidur.  
  
(then the scene switches to Kain as 'Islidur' dead in some water with the reaver floating away)  
  
Raziel (as 'Reaver'): Ha, you stupid SOB, now how am I ever gonna get out of this reaver. I guess I'll just find a new host!  
  
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): That freaky reaver freaks me out. Anyway, everyone forgot about the reaver so it got lost. And then history became legend and no one knew where the reaver came from. But then a total weirdo freak caught the ring.  
  
Magnus (as 'Gollum'): (holding the reaver) MY MEEEEEEEAT!  
  
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): And so this freak hid in the mountains with the reaver and the reaver absolutely owned him. Gollum was whipped by a sword. Sad, pathetic Gollum.  
  
Magnus (as 'Gollum'): IT CAME TO MAG-GOLLUM, MINE OWN, MY MEEEEEEEEAT!  
  
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): But then, the reaver consumed Gollum. After a few minutes, the reaver got tired of Gollum trying to eat it...all the damn time.  
  
Raziel (as 'Reaver'): Screw you, I'm tired of seeing your mouth trying to eat me all the time! I'm off!  
  
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): So the reaver abandoned Gollum. It meant to do that. But it didn't count on some old vampire to steal it.  
  
Kain (as 'Bilbo'): Hey, what's this thingy?  
  
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): A vampire, Bilbo from a place, captured it.  
  
Kain (as 'Bilbo'): A reaver? What's a reaver anyway?  
  
(so Kain as 'Bilbo' took the reaver)  
  
Raziel (as 'Reaver'): Oh great, I get away from one freak just to be captured by another!! This has not been my day...  
  
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): And now the destiny of everyone would be shaped by this weird little vampire thing.  
  
  
  
[But now, and this here isn't part of the movie, the movie suddenly stopped. Kain looked up and saw that Sebastion had accidentally torn the film!]  
  
Kain: Sebastion, you stupid son of a-  
  
Raziel: It's okay, I need to go to the bathroom anyway. (to Sebastion) But I want it fixed by the time I get back!  
  
(then Raziel left)  
  
Zephon: Wait! How can Razzyboy even go to the bathroom?  
  
Rahab: I don't know.  
  
Melchiah: Just get the film fixed Sebastion!  
  
Sebastion: Okay, okay! (looks at himself in a mirror) Man, I know how to accessorize!  
  
Kain and the lieutenants: WOULD YOU JUST FIX THE STUPID FILM!!!  
  
Sebastion: Okay, okay.  
  
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Well, this may take a long while till I get done with this parody. But I hope you all like it and I hope I don't screw this up. Well, see ya in the next chapter. 


	3. Gandolf arrives!

Disclaimer: Me no ownin LoK or LotR so don't sue me or I'll come after you  
  
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A/N: In the last chapter, I had Sebastion as the vampire rolling the film and Sebastion talked normally but that was because I accidentally got his and Faustus' names confused, so the vampire in the last chapter was supposed to be Faustus, not Sebastion. Sorry about that, and Sebastion still talks with a voice box. Oh, and I couldn't really decide who would play as Gandolf, so I'll probably try different people till I finally decide  
  
[The scene is still the theatre and the lieutenants were still waiting for Faustus, NOT Sebastion, to fix the projector]  
  
Kain: This is boring.  
  
Zephon: Hey, I know something we could do!  
  
Melchiah: What?  
  
Zephon Okay, first off, is anyone other than me hungry!?  
  
Rahab: I am!  
  
Zephon: Good! Then I can show you guys how to make banana pudding!  
  
Raziel: You know how to make banana pudding?  
  
Zephon: Yeah, of course!  
  
(then Zephon pulled a package of pudding and a banana out of his invisible pocket)  
  
Dumah: Okay, now how the hell did he fit pudding and a banana in a pocket?  
  
Zephon: The ingredients for banana pudding are a package of normal pudding, a banana, and a stove.  
  
(so Zephon somehow pulls a stove out of his invisible pocket)  
  
Rahab: Now how the heck did he do that?  
  
Zephon: Oh yeah, and an eggbeater!  
  
(so he pulled an eggbeater out of his invisible pocket as well)  
  
Zephon: Okay, so now you insert the banana into the pudding and egg beat the banana until it is squished inside the pudding container.  
  
(so Zephon did that and banana got everywhere, but a few inches of banana actually made it into the pudding)  
  
Zephon: Now you cook it!  
  
Raziel: You don't have anything to plug it into.  
  
Zephon: Oh yeah!  
  
(so Zephon took a socket out of his invisible pocket and hooked it into the wall and  
  
started cook the banana pudding)  
  
Zephon: This may take an hour.  
  
Faustus: Hey guys, wanna see more previews while you wait?  
  
Kain: Sure.  
(so a commercial starts)  
  
Commercial 1: Coming soon to a theatre near you. Bruce Willis is Bruce Willis in "Kill A Bunch of Stuff for No Reason." In this movie Bruce Willis does the only thing he does in almost all his movies. He single-handedly kills a bunch of stuff that not even an army could kill. Coming soon.  
  
(commercial 1 ends)  
  
Kain: Lame.  
  
(commercial 2 begins)  
  
Commercial 2: Coming Saint Kain's Day, Bruce Willis is Bruce Willis in "Still Killing a Bunch of Stuff Cause This Guy's Got No Talent." In this movie, Bruce Willis kills stuff.  
  
(commercial 2 ends)  
  
Dumah: Hey, I can kill a bunch of stuff too!  
  
(commercial 3 begins)  
  
Commercial 3: Coming this Turkey, Bruce Willis is a dead guy. But now this dead guy  
  
gets to do a lot of killing! Bruce Willis is Bruce Willis in "The Sixth Sense 2: Dead Dude Killing Stuff."  
  
(commercial 3 ends)  
  
Rahab: Is killing stuff all he knows how to do?  
  
Faustus: Okay, the projector is fixed!  
  
Kain: (sarcastically) Oh really?  
  
Zephon: (not noticing the sarcasm) Well yeah, I mean we just saw previews from the projector!  
  
Rahab: How come no one had last names in the movie?  
  
Raziel: Because for some strange reason no one in Nosgoth has last names.  
[so now the filming starts]  
The Lord of the Reavers: The Fellowship of the Reaver  
[The scene is Meridian: 60 years later. Raziel as 'Frodo' is reading "Living in Holes in the Ground for Dummies" when Magnus as 'Gandolf' rode up in a shopping cart being steered by horsi (in other words horses)]  
  
Raziel (as 'Frodo'): (seeing Magnus) Well, it's about frickin' time you've got here. Where have you been?  
  
Magnus (as 'Gandolf'): A GANDOLF IS NEVER LATE-  
  
Raziel (as 'Frodo'): Well then why are you so late?  
  
Magnus (as 'Gandolf'): SHUT UP SHORTY VAMPIRE, LET GANDOLF FINISH! AHEM, A GANDOLF IS NEVER LATE, FRODO NO-LAST-NAME, NOR IS HE EARLY. HE GANDOLF ARRIVES WHEN A GANDOLF WANTS TO!  
  
Raziel (as 'Frodo'): (hopping into the shopping cart with him) it's almost wonderful to see you Gandolf.  
  
Magnus (as 'Gandolf'): DID FRODO THINK A GANDOLF WITH MISS AN UNLCE BILBO NO-LAST-NAME'S VAMPIRE-DAY PARTY?  
  
Raziel (as 'Frodo'): Well, yeah, because you're always out prancing around like a wizard who needs Ritalin. Anyway tell me all about the outside world. Tell me everything.  
  
Magnus (as 'Gandolf'): WHEW, FRODO MUST BE SOME SAD, SORRY SAP TO STAY IN THIS PLACE FOREVER. EVERYTHING? FRODO IS STUPIDLY CURIOUS FOR A VAMPIRE. ANYWAY, I CAN'T TELL YOU EVERYTHING BECAUSE GANDOLF CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT HE ATE FOR BREAKFAST TODAY. MOST UNNATURAL.  
  
(as they rode on the shopping cart they were riding on was careening down a hill leading to the home of the vampires because the horsi decided they didn't want to stay attached to the shopping cart anymore)  
  
Magnus (as 'Gandolf'): WELL, WHAT THE HECK IS A GANDOLF SUPPOSED TO TELL A FRODO? LIFE IN WIDE WORLD IS JUST AS BORING AND OVERALL STUPID THAN LIFE HERE.  
  
(so they rode on and eventually got to some of Meridian's landscapes. He saw a bunch of vampires galloping about drinking blood and giving piggy-back rides because they couldn't afford normal transportation)  
  
Magnus (as 'Gandolf'): AH, THE LONG EXPECTED PARTY.  
  
Raziel (as 'Frodo'): How could you tell?  
  
Magnus (as 'Gandolf'): THE BLOOD FLAVORED CHEESE CAKES. ANYWAY, WHAT HAS THE RASCAL UP TO? A GANDOLF HEARS THIS WILL BE A PARTY OF SPECIAL IGNORANCE.  
  
Raziel (as 'Frodo'): Hehehe, rascal? What a sissy term. Well, you know Bilbo-he's-  
  
Magnus (as 'Gandolf'): BUT GANDOLF IS NOT BILBO NO-LAST-NAME!  
  
Raziel (as 'Frodo'): Idiot. I meant that Bilbo's got this whole place in an uproar.  
  
Random Vampire: RRRRRRRROOOOOAAARRRRR!!!!  
  
Raziel (as 'Frodo'): See, he roared.  
  
Magnus (as 'Gandolf'): Well, that should please Bilbo, to know that he's freaking everyone out.  
  
Raziel (as 'Frodo'): Half of Meridian has been invited.  
  
Magnus (as 'Gandolf'): WHY NOT THE OTHER HALF?  
  
Raziel (as 'Frodo'): They will all be busing watching Simon and Simon. He's up to  
  
something.  
  
Magnus (as 'Gandolf'): OH, GANDOLF KNOWS WHAT IT IS! GANDOLF KNOWS WHAT IT IS!!  
  
Raziel (as 'Frodo'): What!?  
  
Magnus: (as 'Gondolf'): PISH, GANDOLF ISN'T TELLING YOU!  
  
Raziel (as 'Frodo'): Bunghole. Anyway, before you came along us No-last- names were quite respected. But then you came along and screwed everything up!  
  
Magnus (as 'Gandolf'): WHAT CAN GANDOLF SAY? Y'ALL WERE ALL SO BORING! OH, AND IF YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THE INCIDENT WITH BILBO AND HASH'AK'GIK AND THE CIRLE OF NINE, GANDOLF WAS BARELY INVOVLED. ALL GANDOLF DID WAS GIVE BILBO A KICK IN THE BUTT OUT THE DOOR.  
  
Raziel (as 'Frodo'): Well, whatever the heck it was that you did, you've now been labeled a disturber of peace.  
  
Magnus (as 'Gandolf'): BUT GANDOLF DOESN'T DESTERB PEACE!  
  
Moebius (as 'Proudhand'): Hey, you need to stop yelling! I was peacefully sleeping till you disturbed me!  
  
(then some child vampires ran up behind the shopping cart)  
  
Child Vampire: Fireworks! Fireworks! Fireworks!  
  
(then Magnus as 'Gandolf' fired off some fireworks. When the fireworks shot off, the fireworks looked like Moebius and the children boo'ed but when the fireworks exploded, making it look like Moebius was exploding into millions of bits, the children cried with joy. Come on, Moebius exploding into many bits would make anyone happy)  
  
Raziel (as 'Frodo'): Gandalf, I'm glad you're back-  
  
Magnus (as 'Gandolf'): THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW!  
  
Raziel (as 'Frodo'): No, you didn't let me finish. Gandalf, I'm glad you're back to that you can pay be back those $50 you owe me.  
  
(so Magnus pushed Raziel off the shopping cart and the shopping cart arrived at Baggage End and Magnus hopped out and looked at a gopher hole. The gopher hole had a door on it. Magnus knocked)  
  
Kain (as 'Bilbo'): No thank you. Get the heck away, I don't want anymore lawyers, tax collectors, or mimes. I only want caterers!  
  
Magnus (as 'Gandolf'): How about really old friends?  
  
Kain (as 'Bilbo'): Nope, hate them too!  
  
Magnus (as 'Gandolf'): HOW ABOUT SOMEONE WHO ALWAYS WEARS HIS PAJAMAS AND POINTY HAT?  
  
Kain (as 'Bilbo'): Gandalf, is that you?  
  
Magnus (as 'Gandolf'): YEP.  
  
(then Kain popped his head out of the gopher hole)  
  
Kain (as 'Bilbo'): Gandalf?  
  
Magnus (as 'Gandolf'): BILBO NO-LAST-NAME?  
  
Kain: (as 'Bilbo'): It's so great to see you Gandalf! Come on in!  
  
(so Kain and Magnus crawl inside the gopher hole, which is very small)  
  
Magnus (as 'Gandolf'): GOOD TO SEE YOU! ONE HUNDREDTY-LEVEN YEARS OLD, GANDALF WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT! YOU HAV-  
  
(then Kain as 'Bilbo' turns to face him)  
  
Magnus (as 'Gandolf'): EWWW, YOU'VE AGES TERRIBLY! ALL OLD AND HAGGARD!! Oops, I wasn't supposed to mention that.  
  
Kain (as 'Bilbo'): Eh, it's alright. You want some tea? Or something stronger? I've got a few pints of old Winyard's blood left. My daddy gave it to me.  
  
Magnus (as 'Gandolf'): REALLY?  
  
Kain (as 'Bilbo'): Yep. He was a fellow No-last-name.  
  
Magnus (as 'Gandolf'): Just tea.  
  
Kain (as 'Bilbo'): Yea, yea, yea. I was expecting you last week...  
  
(then he just started mumbling and talking about stuff and Magnus as 'Gandalf' stopped listening cause he didn't really care while Kain as 'Bilbo' fixed some tea. Then Kain came back in and was still grumbling about various stuff)  
  
Kain (as 'Bilbo'): ...and that's why sheep don't squeeze well.  
  
(then someone knocked on the gopher hole's door)  
  
Female Vampire (as 'Lobelia'): Bilbo, Biblo No-last-name!  
  
Kain (as 'Bilbo'): I'm not home!  
  
Female Vampire (as 'Lobelia'): Okay. Wait a second, then who answered?  
  
Kain (as 'Bilbo'): I've got to get away from the freakin' relatives before I kill them! I want to see the mountains so I can finish making my video game that I'm going to call "Blood Omen 1: Legacy of Kain."  
  
Magnus (as 'Gandolf'): SO, BILBO'S GONNA CONTINUE BILBO'S PLAN? FRODO SUSPECTS SOMETHING!  
  
Kain (as 'Bilbo'): Well of course he does, he's a No-last-name, not some blockhead Charlie Brown from Bottleneck!  
  
Magnus (as 'Gandolf'): You will tell him right?  
  
Kain (as 'Bilbo'): Yea, sure.  
  
Magnus (as 'Gandolf'): FRODO'S VERY FOND OF YOU!  
  
Kain (as 'Bilbo'): Yes, I know, stop with the guilt trips. He'd come with me if I asked, but he's still in love with Meridian.  
  
Magnus (as 'Gandolf'): DON'T KNOW WHY, THIS PLACE IS HORRIBLE.  
  
Kain (as 'Bilbo'): Shut up. I'm old Gandalf, I don't look it-and if you say anything, I'll beat you up-but I'm beginning to feel it. I feel stretched and I'm going on holiday. I'm not coming back.  
  
Magnus (as 'Gandolf'): OOH, A HOLIDAY! CAN GANDOLF COME TOO?  
  
(Kain just looked at him like he was an idiot. Later that night, Kain and Magnus were sitting outside of Baggage End)  
  
Kain (as 'Bilbo'): Old Faithful, the finest weed in the Southfarthing.  
  
(Dumah could be heard sniggering off-screen till someone beat him up)  
  
Kain (as 'Bilbo'): Gandalf my friend, this shall be a night to remember.  
[Then the filming stopped. Faustus had stopped it]  
  
Kain: Hey, why did you stop?  
  
Faustus: I'm going on a preening break.  
  
Kain: Stupid gimp.  
  
Rahab: Still hungry.  
  
(then, for some reason, the theatre's sprinkler system went off)  
  
All vampires except Razzyboy and Rahab: AHHH!! IT BURNS!!  
  
Dumah: WHY??  
  
Zephon: WHY BANANA PUDDING!  
  
(so Dumah put out the fire and Zephon grabbed the burnt-to-the-crisp banana pudding)  
  
Zephon: Waaaahhhh!!!  
  
Raziel: Well, I've got a cookie. (then Raziel pulled out a Kain cookie that an author had given me) My agent gave it to me.  
  
Kain: Hey, I'm on the cookie.  
  
Raziel: Yes. And watch this! (then Raziel drew fake wings onto the Kain in the cookie)  
  
Kain: What are you doing?  
  
(then Raziel bit into the cookie where the wings were draw. The bit the drawn wings off of the cookie)  
  
Raziel: (evil voice) Hahahahahahahahahahha, now I bit YOUR wings off! Now YOU'RE wingless! Hahahahahahahaa, how does it feel!?  
  
Kain: Idiot.  
  
_______________________________________________________________________  
Well, I've finally got this chapter up, and I hope you like it. I kept alternating between Gandolf and Gandalf because I wasn't sure which way it was spelled. Well, don't forget to review! Oh, and I may just let Magnus be Gandolf, I don't know, but I like him being Gandalf. Hope you liked this! 


	4. The Long Awaited Party

Disclaimer: Well, I don't own LoK or LotR either  
  
_______________________________________________________  
[The scene is the theatre and Kain and the lieutenants were waiting for the film to come back on]  
Raziel: Why is Faustus taking so long, he only went on a preening break!  
  
Rahab: I think he just doesn't want to come back because of this next part in the movie.  
  
Turel: Yeah, isn't this the part where Magnus was sick so Faustus played as Gandalf for  
  
a while?  
  
Rahab: Yep.  
  
Raziel: I'm sorry, but Gandalf should NOT look like a rejected game-show host, no matter how "stylish" it looks.  
  
Zephon: Hey guys, guess what I brought with me?  
  
Dumah: A brain for you to use?  
  
Zephon: No! A bunny! (Zephon holds a bunny)  
  
Turel: Why?  
  
Zephon: I thought the bunny would want to see the movie.  
  
Melchiah: AHHHHHH!!! GET THAT BUNNY AWAY FROM ME!! BUNNIES ARE SCARY!!  
  
Zephon: What? How are bunnies scary?  
  
Melchiah: I know of 2 evil bunnies!! One is a truly evil bunny that will bite off your head! The bunny even leaves the bones of its victims!  
  
Dumah: Yeah right. I could make rabbit stew out of a bunny. What's the other evil bunny?  
  
Melchiah: The other evil bunny is a bunny named Bunnicula!  
  
Raziel: Bunnicula?  
  
Melchiah: Yes, Bunnicula! You see, Bunnicula would bite into vegetables and suck all the life out of them so that the vegetable would be pale!  
  
(blank stares in Melchiah's direction)  
  
Melchiah: What? It's true!  
  
Zephon: Whatever. Besides, this bunny likes me.  
  
(then the bunny bit into Zephon's hand)  
  
Zephon: OOOOOWWWWWW!! Get this bunny off of me!!! Why come bunnies like to eat me??  
  
Dumah: Hehehehehehe, the bunny's eating Zephon, hahahahaha!  
  
Zephon: OWW, GET IT OFF ME!! Oh no, it's sucked so much of my blood out that I've gone pale!  
  
Turel: You're always pale!  
  
Zephon: Oh yeah. BUT GET THIS BUNNY OFF OF ME!!  
  
(then Faustus returned)  
  
Faustus: Okay, here are some previews. Hey, who's crying like a baby?  
  
(commercial 1 begins)  
  
Commercial 1: Bruce Willis, who has no talent and can't do anything but fight is going up against his biggest threat yet, and that threat is also a talent less person who can't do anything but fighting the directors, producers, and fans. Yep, I'm talking about Russell Crowe. Bruce Willis and Russell Crowe in "Bruce Willis and Russell Crowe."  
  
(commercial 1 ends)  
  
Turel: Wow, it'll be like "Battle of the Nosgoth Stars."  
  
(commercial 2 begins)  
  
Commercial 2: Freddy Kruger from Elm Street and Jason Voorhess from Friday the 13th co-star in a new horror movie called "Revenge of Barney!" In this movie, Barney the purple dinosaur finally gets tired of being forced naked around kids, so Barney gets his homeboys, Freddy Kruger from Elm Street and Jason Voorhess from Friday the 13th to help him get revenge!  
  
Barney in the commercial: (while blasting away at tons of people using an uzi) I love you, you love me, let me shoot you all to pieces.  
  
Commercial 2: "Revenge of Barney!" Rated 'S' for Stupid.  
  
(commercial 2 ends)  
  
Dumah: Wow, I'll have to see that!  
  
Faustus: And now our feature presentation.  
THE LORD OF THE REAVERS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE REAVER  
[The scene is outside with Kain as 'Bilbo' greeting a lot of guests. Or, at least, Kain's way of greeting people]  
  
Kain (as 'Bilbo'): (to a guest) Yeah, go the frick away, I hate you.  
  
(the guest leaves)  
  
Kain (as 'Bilbo'): (to another guest) Go the frick away, I hate you.  
  
(this continued for a while but all of the guests ignored him and came anyway)  
  
Kain (as 'Bilbo'): Awwww, go away!  
  
(meanwhile, Raziel as 'Frodo' and Dumah as 'Sam' were talking near dancing vampires)  
  
Raziel (as 'Frodo'): Go on Sam, ask the Seer for a dance!  
  
Dumah (as 'Sam'): Um, I think I'll just have another ale and some donuts.  
  
Raziel (as 'Frodo'): You're fat and drunk enough as it is!  
  
(then Raziel picked up Dumah and threw Dumah at the Seer. Dumah asked the Seer for a dance and the Seer just punched Dumah. The scene switches over to Faustus as 'Gandalf' who was messing with some fireworks. But of course, Faustus wasn't exactly wearing the Gandalf costume. This costume was red and sparkly and he had on a green and sparkly tie)  
  
Raziel: (off-stage at the moment) Aw cripe Faustus, you look like a game- show reject! And I know you won't always say the right lines!  
  
(now the screen shifted to Kain as 'Bilbo' telling some little vampires about one of his adventures)  
  
Kain (as 'Bilbo'): So there I was, at the mercy of three Pillar Guardians, and they were discussing very stupid things, especially the ugly hippy guardian. But they were so busy being stupid that the hippy left and I pulled out a ring and a pointy-eared freak come out and killed one of them!  
  
Vampire Kid: Wow!!  
  
(then Faustus lit a firework then he checked a mirror to see if his hair still looked like Mr. T's hair cause he thought Mr. T's hair was stylish. The scene switches to a buggie that was stolen from K-Mart and tons of fireworks were in there and Melchiah as 'Pippin' was on the buggy)  
  
Rahab (as 'Merry'): No you dip-dong, get the big firework!  
  
Melchiah (as 'Pippin'): (grabs the firework that looks like Moebius' staff) Ooh, neat-o frit-o! It will go boom!  
  
(then they sneak under a tent and put the firework into the ground and Melchiah lights it)  
  
Melchiah (as 'Pippin'): (lights it) Done it!  
  
Rahab (as 'Merry'): Um, you're supposed to light it outside!!  
  
Melchiah (as 'Pippin'): I am? Ooops.  
  
Rahab (as 'Merry'): I hate you.  
  
Melchiah (as 'Pippin'): Hehe, we're gonna be in pain, aren't we?  
  
Rahab (as 'Merry'): (heavy digh) Pippin, I'm gonna kill you over and over again.  
  
(then the firework shot up into the air, totally frying Rahab and Melchiah, and the firework looked like the most ugly, horrifying, and gruesome thing imaginable: Moebius in a swimsuit. All the vampires were running away, trying to hide their eyes, except for Everard Proudhand, who was played by Moebius. He thought it looked sexy)  
  
Raziel (as 'Frodo'): (grabbing onto Kain) Bilbo, we must run, it's a hideous creature!! It's Moebius in a swimsuit!  
  
Kain (as 'Bilbo'): Moebius in a swimsuit? Nonsense. He's had nothing to show off for a thousand years.  
  
(then the hideous Moebius firework launched farther and then it exploded, making just about everyone cheer)  
  
Moebius (as 'Everard Proudhand): I looked so good too.  
  
Random Vampire: Yay, that ugly, freak-nasty thing is gone!!  
  
(the scene is back to Rahab and Melchiah who were still burnt)  
  
Rahab (as 'Merry'): Wow, that was a trip! Let's do it again!  
  
Melchiah (as 'Pippin'): A trip!? Are you on drugs or something?  
  
(then Faustus came over and found them)  
  
Faustus (as 'Gandalf'): Meriodic Brookybundle and Peregrin Tolkein-I should have known it was you two. The only two vampires that look less stylish than Sally Struthers.  
  
Melchiah: Hey Rahab, have you noticed that we have very weird last names?  
  
Rahab: (thoughtfully) Yeah.  
  
(while Rahab and Melchiah were forced to wash dishes, where they would occasionally squirt each other with water which playing around having fun until they remembered that water burnt, everyone was telling Kain as 'Bilbo' to make a speech)  
  
Random Vampire: Make a speech you smelly old guy!  
  
Another Random Vampire: Yeah smelly old guy!  
  
Moebius (as Everard Proudhand): I am so proud of my big hands.  
  
Kain (as 'Bilbo'); Okay, okay. My scrupulous No-Last-Names and Coffins, Tolkeins and Brookybundles, weird name, Scrubbs, Bums, Stupidblowers, Burglers, Bracehurdles, and Proudfingers-  
  
Moebius (as 'Everard Proudhand'): It's Proudhand!!  
  
Kain (as 'Bilbo'): Ah, who cares about you anyway?  
  
(Moebius frowns)  
  
Kain (as 'Bilbo'): Today is my one hundrety-leventh birthday!  
  
Random Vampire: Happy birthday!!  
  
Moebius: You suck!  
  
(then someone threw a shoe at Moebius)  
  
Kain (as 'Bilbo'): Thank you. But leventy-one is too short a time to live amongst such admirable and excellent vampires! Too bad none of you vampires are those excellent ones.  
  
Moebius: Bast-  
  
(then another random vampire threw a shoot at Moebius)  
  
Kain (as 'Bilbo'): I don't hate half of you as much as I should and I hate the other half just the right amount.  
  
Moebius (as 'Proudhand'): But we love you...  
  
Kain (as 'Bilbo'): Shut up stupid wanker! I especially hate you. Um, since I love to PO you people so much, I've decided to REALLY PO you people, hehehe. I'm so happy to announce that this is the end. I'm going now.  
  
(then Kain held the soul reaver up but he was holding it the wrong way so he didn't disappear)  
  
Kain (as 'Bilbo'): Haha, suckers! (then he notices he didn't disappear) Aw cripe. Tell you vampires what, look behind you!  
  
(so all the vampires looked behind themselves and Kain hid where no one could see or hear him)  
  
Kain (as 'Bilbo'): You can look now.  
  
(then everyone looked back and couldn't find him)  
  
Stupidblower: Now how the heck'd he do that?  
  
Moebius (as 'Proudhand'): AHHHH, HE'S DISAPPEARED!  
  
Brookybundle: You know what this means. LYNCH MOB!!  
  
[so they all lynch mobbed Moebius. And now, for some strange reason, the film stopped]  
_____________________________________________________________________  
Kain: Hey, what happened! I wanted to see Moebius get beat up!  
  
Zephon: (the bunny was still chewing on his leg) Yeah, what happened!!? Ni!!  
  
Rahab: Ni!  
  
Turel: Ni!  
  
Melchiah: Ni!  
  
Dumah: Ni!  
  
Kain: Nu!  
  
Dumah: No, it's 'Ni!'  
  
Raziel: Guys, we'll never find out what happened if we just sit here 'Ni!'- ing!  
  
Dumah: Well what else do we do?  
  
Moebius: (who was up at the projector) Mwahahahahahahaha, I have stopped your movie! Now what?  
  
Kain: Hey, turn it back on you retarded monkey!!  
  
Moebius: Never! No one can stop me! Mwahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahazahaha!  
  
(then, somehow, a shoe flew up and hit Moebius' head)  
  
Kain: Where the hell do all these shoes keep coming from?  
______________________________________________________________________  
  
Where the hell do all these shoes keep coming from? Where's Faustus? And will Magnus be unsick and be Gandalf again? Well, you'll find out the last two in the next chapter. As for the shoes, well, even I don't know. I hope you liked this chapter, it was a little hard to work with, but oh well. Review if you like!! (Oh, and I did mean to spell the names wrong. They do have weird names) 


End file.
